My Thoughts On… Supermarkets

If I had ever had the opportunity to appear on Supermarket Sweep back in the day, I think I would’ve struggled. I would have had zero appreciation for the intricate aisle system, the necessary skills to navigate the deli counter nor the wiles to figure out which end to open the clear plastic bags in the fruit and veg section.

But over my years of parental independence, I’ve become ever more familiar with the gamut of emotions and social anomalies on show at the local supermarket. The seemingly discriminatory policy that gives some fruit juice the right to be stored in the cool fridge and some on the warm shelves. The understanding that if something is marked with a big bright sales tag chances are it’s the in-house brand and isn’t even the cheapest option on the shelf. And the sheer joy that comes from watching a shopper triumphantly slide into the first spot in line at a newly opened register.

I also believe that we should all agree to the idea that the rules of the road apply inside a shopping centre as well. That means we drive our trolley’s on the lefthand side of the aisle. We slow down and give way when approaching the T-Junctions at the end of each aisle and if we want to stop and browse the shelves, we pull our trolley over to the side of the aisle. We do not simply stop and expect those coming from either direction to patiently wait as we assess the different sodium levels in competing brands of SPAM. And for all those would be hoons of the supermarket roads, I advise waiting until the end of your shop before attempting the old “run, jump, ride” trick with the trolley. An empty trolley doesn’t have the necessary counterweight to balance the rider. So unless you’re shopping for the Atkins Diet or riding the 5^th at Warwick Farm on the weekend, you’re going to come to an embarrassing and painful end.

I refuse to use the self-checkout section, it lacks personal interaction, it’s stealing jobs from the checkout chicks of the future and most importantly I never want to run the risk of being unable to scan the barcode on the packet of tampons I’ve been forced to include in the weekly shop by my girlfriend despite repeated protests, and forced to ask for assistance.

Now I have done my time rolling the aisles. I understand the need to choose the dairy products from the back of the shelves (expiration date) and I now know the fine art to fruit squeezing. They’ve brought back the Price is Right, time to bring back The Sweep.