My Thoughts On…. Parenting

Let me clear from the beginning, I am not a parent. I have no legitimate or illegitimate children and at my current junction in life have no plans to have children in the near future.

That being said, my years of walking the aisles of shopping centers and observing parents with their kids in playgrounds (not in a creepy way) has provided me with enough awareness to pass judgment on certain parents.

Here is a brief list of things I will never do for or to my child:

1.     Order them a Babycino

2.     Name them after a fruit, animal, vegetable or mineral

3.     Put them on a leash

4.     Make them wear ironic t-shirts

5.     Order them a Babycino

6.     Dress them as a mini me

7.     Give them a mobile phone when they are 5

8.     Let them breast feed until they are 10

9.     Order them a FUCKING BABYCINO!!!

While I understand it is a parent’s prerogative to raise their child in their own image, if your image is of yuppie, hipster w**nker, use the image of someone else. Don’t do these things to your children, because while it might seem that they can’t possibly remember these instances of child abuse, the effects will come to roost when their children grow into the sort of adolescents who insist on semi sun dried tomatoes and gluten free focaccias and the school tuck shop.

At this point I want to copyright the concept of Baby Fit; a brand new exercise regime that allows you to lose that post pregnancy baby weight by incorporating your baby into your daily workout. I might have to speak to a personal trainer or someone in the fitness industry to figure out how that is possible but I can definitely see it being the next big celebrity workout.

Anyway, back to things that parents do that annoy me. I think the behavior I’ve most noticed that sparked this rant is when parents cross the street with a child in their arms or in a pram at dangerous points. Crossing the street when you are 50m down the road from a pedestrian crossing or deciding to chance it against oncoming traffic when you are carrying your child is just ludicrous behavior.  If you’re really after that thrill of almost being hit by cars, find an old school arcade and go and play Hopper.

If any parents reading this have been offended by my opinions, chances are you’ve probably done one or more of the behaviors I’ve made reference to and as a result you only have yourself to blame.  For now, I’m off to work out my BabyFit© business plan. Does anyone know if either of the female trainers on the biggest losers are pregnant?