They say that “Rules are made to be broken”
and while I’m not exactly sure who “they” are, they sound like irresponsible
delinquents who probably grew up in an unstable environment without many, if
any, of these aforementioned “rules”.
Regardless of the humble beginnings of this
phrase, it probably grew out of the fact that in our society there are rules or
guidelines for just about everything we do. There are rules for the road, there
are rules for sport and there are even rules for road sports. But one area in
which there is a glaring absence of regulations is around the issue of… Free
Wifi.
Don’t let the use of the word “free”
confuse you; the concept of Free Wifi is not a straightforward one. First of
all, the people who own the connection have to pay for it so it’s not entirely
free. Secondly, most of these Free Wifi spots require some sort of password
which means you’re either going to have to hand over some personal details or
some cash. And finally, it is generally frowned upon if you just walk in and
start using the Free Wifi without purchasing anything. And when I say frowned
upon, I mean the proprietor will literally stand at your table and frown upon
you.
This issue came to a head for me recently
when I’d been at a café for 45 minutes or so using the Wifi to check my emails,
watch videos of kittens on Youtube and try and understand exactly what people
use LinkedIn for. At this point the café owner came over and asked me if I’d
like another coffee, indicating towards my laptop. I took this to mean two
things; he also didn’t understand the purpose of LinkedIn and he believed that
my unspoken Wifi credit level, which had been indirectly purchased with my
large coffee, had expired. I nervously glanced to my laptop and back to the
owner before timidly stating that “The Free Wifi sign doesn’t impose a time
limit on my usage and I’m offended by your intrusion…. But yes I’ll have a
small flat white”.
I started to wonder whether anyone else had
found himself or herself in this situation of thinking they had worn out their
cyber welcome at their local café. What if this is the cause behind so many
Australian’s suffering from sleep deprivation? Tossing and turning in their
sleep not knowing whether they should try and find another cafe with Free Wifi
where they won’t be judged by the coffee fueled eyes of the barista.
The below Free Wifi Bill of Fare attempts
to resolve this problem. Share this menu with others (if you want to be ironic
about it, do it from a Free Wifi spot while contravening the guidelines
themselves). That way next time a disgruntled café owner asks you whether or
not you would like anything else you can clearly explain that your previously
purchased Skinny Flat White and Banana Muffin entitles you to at least another
15 minutes of Wifi use before he can officially get his knickers in a twist.
FREE
WIFI MENU:
A
regular coffee = 30 minutes
A
large coffee = 45 minutes
A
coffee + cake/muffin/banana bread = 60 hour
Ready
made sandwich/wrap/salad = 90 minutes
Menu
Meal (not pre-prepared) = 2 hours or until change
of menu to next course, whichever comes last
Note:
None of these time limits are valid if you are
using the Wifi to access LinkedIn because it will take you a minimum of 72
hours to even begin to understand what you are meant to be doing.
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